A guide for self-regulation and co-regulation, especially in relational contexts.
Strong emotions often show up before or around moments that matter. An upcoming event, a difficult conversation, a party, a transition. In relational and poly contexts especially, anticipation alone can activate fear, jealousy, sadness, or anger.
When these feelings move quickly or stack up, it can feel like emotional ping pong. One reaction triggers the next, and suddenly both people are on edge. The impulse is to fix, explain, or make the feelings go away.
This page offers a different approach.
What are “big feels” and what are they not
When I speak of big feels, I mean primary emotions. These are wave-like experiences such as fear, sadness, anger, or joy. When allowed to be felt, a primary emotion naturally rises, peaks, and subsides, often within about ninety seconds. After that, there is usually relief, space, or clarity.
Many of us, however, have learned to suppress or bypass these waves. When that happens, primary emotions get covered by secondary emotions like shame, frustration, or self-judgement. These tend to loop rather than resolve. The more attention they get, the bigger they grow.
A helpful question when emotions intensify is:
- Is this a wave that wants to move through me?
- Or is this a loop that keeps tightening?
If it feels like a loop, gently turn toward what is underneath. Are you scared? Sad? Angry? Glad? Can you feel that directly, without needing to explain it yet?
Unfelt emotions do not disappear. They tend to surface sideways. You might notice clumsiness, irritability, picking fights, or feeling unusually overwhelmed. These are not failures. They are signals.
What not to do when holding space for big feels
Whether you are holding space for yourself or for someone else, this is often the hardest part.
When emotions feel intense, the nervous system wants them gone. Fast. The mind jumps in to problem-solve, explain, reassure, or fix. While well-intended, this usually interrupts the emotional process rather than supporting it.
When holding space for big feels, try not to:
- problem-solve
- focus on the content or story too quickly
- propose solutions or future plans
Emotions are not rational. They are physiological processes. Once activated, they need to be felt to complete their cycle.
How to hold space as a witness
If you are co-regulating with someone else, your primary task is not to do, but to be.
Before engaging, check your own state. Can you feel your body, your breath, your contact with the ground? Aim for a posture of curiosity and steadiness rather than urgency.
Helpful practices include:
- allowing silence
- reflecting or summarising what you hear
- naming emotions tentatively, for example: “It sounds like there is fear here”
- using simple mirrors, repeating a key word or phrase and then pausing
A 4-step tool for integrating big feels
This is a simple structure that can be used for self-regulation or co-regulation. You may move back and forth between steps. There is no need to rush.
1. Turning toward the feeling
Invite the emotion to be felt directly.
Helpful questions:
- When you think of this situation, what do you feel?
- What do you notice in your body right now?
Stay close to sensation rather than explanation.
2. Opening to lightness or curiosity
Once the emotional wave has some space, gently invite another perspective.
For example:
- Is there anything about this situation that sparks curiosity, positivity, or even a hint of excitement?
If this question brings up more emotion, that is fine. Stay with the feeling and return to this step later.
3. Remembering capacity
This step reconnects the person to their own resilience.
You might ask:
- If what you fear were to happen, can you think of a similar experience you have worked through before?
- What helped you then?
This is not about bypassing difficulty, but about remembering lived competence.
4. Reassurance and connection
Big feels are often intensified by fear of loss or disconnection. This step restores a sense of relational safety.
This might sound like:
- Remember that after this event, there will be time to reconnect.
- We will have space to talk, rest, or be close again.
Reassurance works best when it is concrete and embodied, not abstract.
A final note
This tool is not meant to eliminate difficult emotions. Its purpose is to allow them to move, integrate, and soften without overwhelming you or your relationships.
You do not need to get this right. Practicing is enough.
Need a bit more support?
Some processes integrate beautifully on their own.
Others ask for a witness, a mirror, or a bit of guidance along the way.
If you notice you’re going in circles, feeling overwhelmed, or would like support in making sense of what’s unfolding, you’re welcome to reach out.
You can read more about my individual guidance sessions here.
Or, if it feels simpler, you can message me directly via Hipsy to explore what kind of support might fit right now.